Type A Personality

Yet another traffic pet peeve of mine; call it a public service announcement.

If you are the person who applies their breaks on the highway on-ramp, you deserve a Hummer up your ass! You really shouldn’t be driving anyway. You are a Darwin Award waiting to happen.

Traffic on the highway is traveling at 65mph. If you accelerate to 65mph when entering the highway, you can merge with minimal effort! (Rocket Science?) On the other hand, many choose to coast at a meager 35mph, then realize that there is not a hole large enough to merge into (at this speed), so they hit their breaks, and wave their fists in the air - admonishing those who are whizzing by for not slowing to 35mph to allow them in. Honestly, can you think of ANY scenario where you shouldn’t accelerate to the speed of traffic?

I urge you ‘on-ramp stoppers’ to re-read your driving manual. Much of it is common sense, but hey, it’s impossible to remember ALL of those silly traffic rules, right?

So, stop waving your fist… pull your head out of your ass… put your foot on the gas… and get the f*ck out of my way!

Stupid People!

Today I pulled up to the drive-thru speaker at Arby’s.

Arby’s Guy: “Welcome to Arby’s. Would you like a Combo meal?”

Me: “No thanks. Can I get a Grilled Chicken Bacon Ranch sandwich…”

Arby’s Guy: “Grilled or Crispy?”

Me: “Uh, Grilled. Can I also get a Jumbo sized diet Dr. Pepper?”

Arby’s Guy: “Would you like to add an order of fries to make it a Combo Meal?”

Me: “Uh, no. Just the sandwich and drink.”

Arby’s Guy: “Would you like a nice warm apple or cherry turnover for dessert?”

Me: “Uh, no. JUST THE SANDWICH AND THE DRINK, please.”

Arby’s Guy: “One Chicken Cordon Bleu Sandwich and a Large Dr. Pepper. That’ll be $6.31 at the window.”

Aw hell, screw it.

Again, spammers are not always the brightest people - in fact, usually they are quite the contrary.

This continues a post that was started here. Be sure to read it BEFORE READING THIS POST.

Spammer: “Yes, you did misundertand my intentions. Maybe there should be more instructions on posting “information for sale.” I was trying to post in the Teacher Resource section. I did not consider it spam. Do you have a section for posting items for sale? I visited the Teacher Resource section and it contains references to other websites. How did they get through? I am a teacher trying to help other teachers gain control of their classroom. Is that a crime? Send instructions on posting items for sale. I posted it in the section, but if I did it incorrectly…please correct me. Don’t treat me like a spammer because I am not one!”

Now, this is true - we do have a ‘For Sale’ forum for our ‘trusted members’, but his posts were put in several forums, and again, he is not a ‘trusted member’. His spam was his very first post… and second… and third…

Now it is getting comical. Last night I went out to dinner and then straight to a show, the Trans Siberian Orchestra (Great show by the way). So I did not receive his message above, nor the one below until early this morning…

Spammer: “I see you have not responded. After visiting the site again this morning, I noticed my posting is removed. Why? Is is because it had a link in it? How many postings does a person need to post a link? Or, are links prohibited forever? I want to know the answers to these questions. Under TEACHER RESOURCE MATERIAL, FOR SALE, TEACHER DATING SITE, there is a link in that posting! Do the rules only apply to certain members? I have very little patience for poor service and customer service. Why am I wasting my time trying to explain or understand your policy. Because I hope you are not in business to be out of business. If you respond, then maybe we can fix this matter. If you do not respond, then I want to know who owns this website so I can contact them. I will get to the answers I’m looking for. Several friends of mine are members and are awaiting my findings. They have friends who are waiting to hear my findings also. Be fair to EVERYONE or publish the fact your website is for CERTAIN INDIVIDUALs only!!!”

Ouch. Apparently, I too have nothing else to do. It should be my first priority to engage spammers so that I can retain them as customers to my site. Really? By the way, this guy was not even around long enough after posting to realize that NONE of his postings EVER showed up on our forums. I never ‘removed’ them from viewing; they were never ‘approved’ for viewing. Common behavior from spammers: Post spam, Post spam, Post spam… move on to the next board…

But it is interesting to see how far Stupid People push things… and I am bored today. I reply:

“Mr. XXXX,

I understand that you are upset. Our boards are for people who want to contribute to our community. You signed up solely to advertise your products. I told you this was not allowed - as stated when you signed up. ONLY trusted members of our community are allowed to post links - and this is a ‘newer’ rule, and we have not gone back in the history of our posts to remove past postings. This rule to allow only ‘trusted’ members post links reduces the amount of time I spend removing spam from our site by 99%.

Mr XXXX, there are many, many other teacher forums on the internet that you could spend your time trying to advertise on. But if you are die hard set on advertising on mine, our rates start at $335/day for a small banner ad that would be seen on every page of our site. Larger advertisements may be purchased for up to $600/day. For the small ads that appear in just the message boards, you may purchase them for $100/day.

As for your demands to know who owns the site, well, that would be me. This can be confirmed by a simple Whois lookup.

Regards,

Chad Jensen”

He is also emailing others that work on this site, they are getting emails like:

Spammer: “I would to like to communicate with the owner of this website. I have been blocked due to SPAM! Please have someone in management, ownership or who simply cares about a member terribly upset how he was treated by a moderator to contact me as soon as possible.”

So they are forwarded to me, and so I need to reply, right?:

“Mr XXXX,

I am the owner of this website. You were blocked for several attempts to post links in our forums to advertise your product. Advertising is not permitted in our forums, and links may only be posted by our trusted members. Please see my other email if you are interested in purchasing advertising on our site.

Thank you,

Chad Jensen”

I have not come across one that is so determined to make sure their advertisements show on my pages since the last spammer that threatened to sue me. But again, this post is in the Stupid People category for a reason…

“Spammer: I see there is no reasoning with you. So I will state this one more time. I am new to most of this anyway. If I were truly a spammer, I would not be having several attempts to understand your policy. I would be “caught” and running to other sites to advertise. I can’t afford to advertise, if I could then we would not be having this conversation. I don’t know what spamming is. I simply asked how to do something and how not to make a mistake. Thats it! Your treatment is rude and arrogant! People like you don’t make and I will make sure no other teachers I know use your website. I read some other postings and how those moderators responded. Some responded worst than you, but made sure the person understood how to post without being a spammer. Maybe you should learn from them. I am very upset! Not because you blocked me, but because I tried to respect your policy to the best of my knowledge. It is your reponsibility to make sure all visitors understand your policy without being threatening. You don’t have to block me, I will never visit your site again!

XXXXX XXXX {name removed to protect the stupid}”

Well, he has given me the opportunity to end this conversation, and I am once again getting bored, so I will take this opportunity. Although watching a blind fish bump into the coral over and over may be funny, you can’t sit around and watch it all day…

“Mr. XXXX,

‘I don’t know what spamming is.’ - Unwanted commercial advertising, in the form of email or usenet (or forum) postings.

You are probably correct, my treatment of your actions may be rude and it may be arrogant - but, to be honest, I have no respect for people who attempt to use my website as a means for free advertising. As for my responsiblities, I have absolutely none to you. As for being threatening, I do not recall anyone being threatening except for you: ” and I will make sure no other teachers I know use your website.”

And finally, ‘You don’t have to block me, I will never visit your site again!’ - Well then, my job is now complete.

Regards Mr. XXXX,

Chad Jensen”

Q: How do you piss-off a spammer?

A: Call them a spammer.

I have forums that I run here and there. In the registration, I have a paragraph stating that we moderate new member posts, and spamming is not tolerated.

So yesterday, in my forum for teachers a new user registers and tries submitting a post about their software. It is moderated (not posted for the public to see). So the user immediately tries a different forum. It is moderated there as well, so they try once more. Yes, again it doesn’t show up.

So I get an email:

“I was trying to post a message with a link. How do I do that?”

So I respond:

“You don’t. We don’t allow spam in our forums. When you registered it was listed in bold what we do with spam posts, and your posts are spam.

If you would like to contribute to our community, you are welcome to do so, but registering just to sell your product is not tolerated, and it will get you banned.”

Apparently this did not sit well. He replied:

“Thanks for the nice, but harsh message. I don’t think you understood my question, but because of your ugly attitude…I won’t be involved in your website. I am a teacher and I can read!!! Next time, try to understand what a person is asking before you show your true colors!”

This is only partially true. I have an ugly attitude - that is because I am an asshole. But you are wrong in the fact that you can read. Because you can’t.

So I reply:

“XXXX,

Point is, we do not allow posts with links. You asked how you post a link. You can’t. That is the point. As for the comments about spam:

The following is considered spam - especially when it is attempted to be posted 3 times from a brand new member. Did I misunderstand your intentions?

I’m cutting out several paragraphs detailing everything that the software does..
Try It Today for 10 days free of charge. The home version cost $39 (per year) and the classroom version cost $69 (year). The school version cost depends on the number of students. Visit online at www.website-removed.com or give me a call at (XXX) XXX-XXX Name Removed to Protect the Stupid. I currently teach, so please call me after 6:00 pm (central time). Thanks.“

Now I can understand that a teacher would want to spam a teacher forum. Happens daily in my forums. But I am really getting sick of the attitude from these people - like I am the bad guy for not allowing their spam.

Not too long ago, I actually had a guy threaten to sue me for not allowing his spam to be posted. WTF??

Damn Stupid People.

I am a scuba diver. I am used to getting the thorough anal probing at all airport security checkpoints. Yes, I am the guy that you always see off to the side in that ‘Special Security Screening’ area, the contents of my carry-ons are strewn about all over the place, with a bunch of dimwits looking through it like they are actually deterring terrorism.

I carry all of my underwater video and camera equipment, as well as my laptop and diving computer in my carry-ons, with one change of clothes and toiletries. My bag is always flagged because it hits the X-Ray and the screener sees the wires, odd shaped electronics, scuba hoses. I expect it to be flagged, and I understand it. What I hate is watching as they throw my stuff around like kids playing with Tonka toys. Imbeciles! And why in the f*ck do they always act so pissed off?? You’d think they it was their stuff that was being ‘tossed’ about.

So, my last trip was the day after TSA (The Security Amateurs) ‘lightened up’ security and allowed passengers to bring liquids in their carry-ons. One simple caveat: only plastic liquid containers 3oz. or smaller in size, must be carried separately from your suitcase in a gallon-size (or smaller) plastic bag. Ok. No problem, right? Well, the night before we leave we scramble to get our ‘main’ toiletries into little containers so that we can bring them aboard - always good to have the ‘essentials’ in hand when traveling to sparsely populated regions of the Caribbean, just in case your checked luggage is ‘delayed’.

Next Day… in the security line, I’m loosening up - getting ready to watch security throw my delicate electronic equipment around. As if on queue, I am pointed to the ‘Special Security Screening’ area. I hand over my gallon bag of toiletries, and start to unbuckle my pants getting ready to grab my ankles. My carry-on was just entering the X-Ray machine. That is when it happened. The beloved TSA agent, let’s call her… Agent “Double-Oh-Zero”, mumbled something into her shoulder microphone. Three more agents showed up almost immediately. They extracted my ‘almost-empty’ deodorant from the plastic bag. That’s right, less then 1oz of deodorant left in a 4oz container. 4 TSA agents. My bag slipped right through the X-Ray, unquestioned, in all the confusion! Holy shit!

After close inspection, Agent Double-O-Zero held my deodorant out and stated firmly, “This is a prohibited item, and is being confiscated.” Peeking to the end of the X-Ray conveyor belt, I see my carry-on in waiting. Forcing a disappointed look, I state “OK”, and turn grab my untouched bag and walk away.

Score 1 for the scuba diver.

I recently purchased a little luxury sports coupe.  0-60 in 5 seconds baby!  Oh, man - the trouble I am going to cause in this little rocket on wheels. 

First thing I need to do is buy a radar detector.  I want to make sure that I don’t get snagged by the ‘Five-0′ (the fuzz, heat, the pigs, smokeys).  If I am at a red light and some punk pulls up and ‘revs’ his engine, I need something to cover my back.  That extra bit of security in case my foot accidently slams down on the accelerator.

So I search online and find the ‘best’ radar detector on the market today.  The BELTRONICS RX 65.  It may be $300, but damnit, this thing says it detects everything - X, K, Ka, Laser, POP - you name it, this thing detects it.  And… it talks!  It doesn’t just beep, it tells me the band of radar that it is detecting!  WOW!  Now I am set.

So I get on the highway with my shiny new radar detector.  That’s right ‘piggies’ I am one step ahead of you now!  Get ready … just try and catch me! 

That is when it dawns on me.  I don’t remember the last time traffic was open enough to get my car up to the speed limit, much less over it.  Traffic sucks all the time around here.  Our highways are like parking lots full of stupid people.  DOH!  Ok, well I can still use it for those stop lights.  Never know when that spontaneous ‘foot jerk’ will accidentally hit you.

Two Months Later…

Well, I’ve had the radar detector a couple of months now.  I’ve found that only 1 in about a billion police cars actually use radar in Colorado.  That’s right, why spend tax payer dollars on radar guns - when it is nearly impossible to get above the speed limit?  That’s okay.  I’m not bitter.  I am secure in the fact that this detector is excellent at picking up my local supermarket automatic sliding door, and nothing beats this little puppy when it finding a Home Depot!  So if you are a frequent traveler and afraid that, on occasion, you might be in some strange town - unable to find a place to buy some chips…  might I recommend the BELTRONICS RX 65?