I am a scuba diver. I am used to getting the thorough anal probing at all airport security checkpoints. Yes, I am the guy that you always see off to the side in that ‘Special Security Screening’ area, the contents of my carry-ons are strewn about all over the place, with a bunch of dimwits looking through it like they are actually deterring terrorism.

I carry all of my underwater video and camera equipment, as well as my laptop and diving computer in my carry-ons, with one change of clothes and toiletries. My bag is always flagged because it hits the X-Ray and the screener sees the wires, odd shaped electronics, scuba hoses. I expect it to be flagged, and I understand it. What I hate is watching as they throw my stuff around like kids playing with Tonka toys. Imbeciles! And why in the f*ck do they always act so pissed off?? You’d think they it was their stuff that was being ‘tossed’ about.

So, my last trip was the day after TSA (The Security Amateurs) ‘lightened up’ security and allowed passengers to bring liquids in their carry-ons. One simple caveat: only plastic liquid containers 3oz. or smaller in size, must be carried separately from your suitcase in a gallon-size (or smaller) plastic bag. Ok. No problem, right? Well, the night before we leave we scramble to get our ‘main’ toiletries into little containers so that we can bring them aboard - always good to have the ‘essentials’ in hand when traveling to sparsely populated regions of the Caribbean, just in case your checked luggage is ‘delayed’.

DeodorantNext Day… in the security line, I’m loosening up - getting ready to watch security throw my delicate electronic equipment around. As if on queue, I am pointed to the ‘Special Security Screening’ area. I hand over my gallon bag of toiletries, and start to unbuckle my pants getting ready to grab my ankles. My carry-on was just entering the X-Ray machine. That is when it happened. The beloved TSA agent, let’s call her… Agent “Double-Oh-Zero”, mumbled something into her shoulder microphone. Three more agents showed up almost immediately. They extracted my ‘almost-empty’ deodorant from the plastic bag. That’s right, less then 1oz of deodorant left in a 4oz container. 4 TSA agents. My bag slipped right through the X-Ray, unquestioned, in all the confusion! Holy shit!

After close inspection, Agent Double-O-Zero held my deodorant out and stated firmly, “This is a prohibited item, and is being confiscated.” Peeking to the end of the X-Ray conveyor belt, I see my carry-on in waiting. Forcing a disappointed look, I state “OK”, and turn grab my untouched bag and walk away.

Score 1 for the scuba diver.